Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Eight of the Worst Movies Ever Made (w/ a Surprise Appearance by NIC CAGE!)

Going to a wedding for my cuz in KC this weekend.
The sad part?
This will be the farthest west I've traveled in my life.
I mean, until I live across the fucking globe in 2 weeks.

I tend to be a movie guy whilst packing.
It takes away some of the monotony of shoving socks & other shit in a suitcase.
Key word: some.
Our only "premium" movie channels at some are Starz & Encore, so the pickings are slim.
Rather than run down the best movies of all time, I thought I'd give the worst movies I've personally ever seen some love much deserved hate.

Let's begin in no particular order.
  • Somethings Gotta Give
I can sum this disgusting piece of filth up in three words: old people sex.
The worst part?
I saw this on Christmas Eve with my sister one year.
Jesus did not approve.
  • Semi-Pro
Yeah, I know most guys in my age range think Will Ferrell can do no wrong.
He can, and Semi-Pro proved it pretty damned pointedly.
When a comedy film ends with Andre 3000 & Woody Harrelson slogging the sappiest damn 20 minutes in cinematic history, it's no longer comedy.
It's an abortion.
  • Date Movie
You could fill this in with nearly any _______ Movie not beginning with Scary.
Luckily, this is the only one I had the misfortune of seeing.
Misfortune in this case making me so damn angry as joke after joke fell flat that I literally punched a goddamn wall.
I never thought I'd say this, but the Wayans Brothers would have been an improvement.
  • The Saw series (after they clearly stopped giving a shit)
This isn't to say all the Saw movies were bad.
Hell, the first few were actually interesting in a Rube Goldberg-esque way.
But once they started hitting the half dozen mark and made a damn contest to find a director for like Saw 8, I really started to doubt how scary midgets on tricycles actually are.
  • Hostel
In middle school we snuck into this horrific piece of gore porn instead of just seeing Glory Road.
Looking back, a boilerplate racial feel-good basketball movie might not have been very good, but it also wouldn't have addled our fragile psyches.
Watching some Asian chick commit suicide because half her eye is hanging out was probably the most kid friendly part of this movie.
The worst part?
We snuck in after the hot Euro-porn part had ended.
  • Flash Gordon
File this under "so bad it's amazing....on the right drugs."
Cuz without drugs it's the story of how a New York Jets quarterback flies on a treadmill & fights hammer-wielding Norsemen held up by strings.
Although you'd think Mark Sanchez would kill for that opportunity right about now.
Can't butt fumble on a floating treadmill.
  • Inception
You can explain to me all you want about the symbolic nature of this movie or now it revolutionized cinematography.
But this is the only film my grandmother ever left early with me because, and I quote, "this is completely ridiculous."
From a woman who has sat through every Austin Powers movie & even Jackass 3 with her beloved grandchildren.
That's called wisdom, folks.
  • Soul Plane
Single-handedly proved that Hollywood is color blind when it comes to making shit-tastic movies.
I'll let Martin Luther King (from The Boondocks) sum this one up:
"...Now I wanna talk about Soul Plane...I've seen what's around the corner, I've seen what's over the horizon, and I promise you, you n****s have nothing to celebrate."

Ebert & Roeper could only hope to give such a poignant movie review.

Feel free to disagree in the comments with the inclusion of any of these movies.
I'm sure some of you can't believe some of your classics are on this list.
But hey, just to end this on a high note, there is something to keep in mind:

At least you aren't Nicolas Cage.


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