Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ranking the Presidents, Just Cuz

Finals is approaching.
Procrastination is reaching an all time high.
Shitty combo bro.

Let's have an FHP ranking of United States presidents then, shall we?
Remember: I'm probably wrong.
But fuck it.

(By the way I'm not including Obama, Bush Jr. or Clinton due to their recent terms)

  1. Harry Truman - D
    • It's difficult to judge a man who makes the most influential decision in human history.
  2. Andrew Jackson - DR
    • T-Jeff, actualized.
  3. James Polk - D
    • Responsible for half you assholes simply being American.
  4. Gerald Ford - R
    • Wait, what? Sacrificing your political career to save a nation already broken from Vietnam from the shame of trying a formerly popular president takes balls & (very) rare courage.
    • Plus he's from Michigan, so fuck y'all.
  5. George Washington - F
    • The modern equivalent of Cincinnatus, perhaps the most ridiculous blind-spot in historiography.
  6. Abraham Lincoln - R
    • Saving the nation from breaking apart at all costs while fucking finally doing something to Django our black amigos.
  7. Franklin Delano Roosevelt - D
    • Dittos for protecting our nation at one of it's weakest points, but a Krugman-esque blind nut hugging of Keynesianism would fuck us in the 70's.
    • Plus, you know, detention centers.
  8. Dwight Eisenhower - R
    • Not enough people truly appreciate how fucking novel the Federal Highway Act of 1956 truly was; the true pinnacle of public infrastructure.
  9. William McKinley - R
    • Might seem odd to put him above TR, but his defeat of the populists (specifically William Jennings Bryan) once and for all limited the scope of radical political movements in America.
  10. Calvin Coolidge - R
    • Not only did he foster a mindset of open markets & limited government that left a lasting impression, but the eventual economic failures also highlighted the need for smart regulation.
  11. Theodore Roosevelt - R
  12. Grover Cleveland - D
    • Much unlike the current bastard holding the title of "Most Notable Grover", Cleveland noticeable lack of absolutism benefited the country greatly in a recession deeper than the Great Depression.
  13. John Adams - F
    • I don't many people appreciate how important the first peaceful transition of power in America actually was...JA, above all else, can be thanked dearly for that shit.
  14. James Madison - DR
    • Kept the country together when Brit dicks were setting shit on fire (somewhat akin to MSU & couches after losing to fucking bitch-ass Duke).
  15. Ronald Reagan - R
    • Reagan is over-rated by the Right in my view, but it's once again hard to judge a man who led to Churchill-esque national inspiration & resolve throughout the collapse of the Commies.
  16. Richard Nixon - R
    • History will forget Watergate; it won't forget the tremendous economic & geo-political progress caused by simply being the only man crazy/asshole-ish to make China open up & begin to eschew Maoism
      • Seriously, it's pretty fucking huge.
  17. Thomas Jefferson - DR
    • Principles mean dick when you don't actually follow them.
      • The Louisiana Purchase was still a pretty damn good bargain.
  18. James Monroe
    • Kind of a big deal for America's founding, but the Monroe Doctrine led to quite a bit of shitty neighbor-ing.
  19. John F. Kennedy
    • History tends to over-estimate you when your family is rich & good looking.
      • Still we didn't all die due to the Cuban Missile Crisis...hooray.
  20. -> 34. The Mendoza Line, presidents not really notable enough.
    • W.H. & Benjamin Harrison, Grant, Arthur, J.Q. Adams, Taylor, Tyler, Fillmore, Van Buren, Garfield, H.W. Bush, Harding, Taft
For the rest of the presidents - clearly on my Shit List - where do they rank?
If I didn't have to make a fucking video for Portuguese, I'd tell you.
But I do, so...
I don't recommend plagiarizing these "facts" for any sort of school project by the way.

Actually, use them - you are a fucktard anyways for committing academic fraud.


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