Saturday, April 13, 2013

An Open (Drunken) Letter to the GOP

So, not going to the bars too much totes fucked me today.
First one to leave on bar crawl.
Lame, I know.
I'm clearly ashamed of my current alcohol skills.

So let's talk politics motherfuckas.
I'm one of those voters Republicans claim to want so badly.
I'm not particularly partisan & my positions could plot all over the political map.
I find the GOP's embrace of 21st century economics is essential to our country's future.
The problem is that in nearly every area, they are fucking clueless.
Todd Akin, Michelle Bachmann, Allen West, Rick "Bringer Of The End Of Days" Santorum, Rick Scott?
Are you kidding me?

I'd just be another pussy "critic" if I didn't give some solutions.
Not saying this shit will work.
But its sure as hell better than anything Glenn Beck will cry like a damn child about daily.

ONE: Realize America isn't a country run, dominated, primarily influenced or infatuated by cranky old white males anymore.

Faces matter.
The GOP leadership looks like...well, every fucking stereotype they seem to deserve.
Just saying.
Mark Sanchez shouldn't be the only guy in America who likes turnover.

TWO: Stop letting dumbasses hijack the national conversation with straight-up bullshit.

Gay marriage is going to happen.
Marijuana will be legalized.
Immigrants aren't all Satanic pieces of anchor-baby shit.
The culture war is over.
To be honest, the right side won.
The upshot?
We now know that (finally) no one really gives a shit what the Religious Right thinks.
Good fackin' riddance.

THREE: Stop being abrasive assholes.

I'm no fan of Obama.
I personally think he is a shitty, distant leader.
But he's still the damn leader.
I'm flabbergasted by the hypocrisy of GOP disrespect.
Literally a fucking decade ago any American who didn't agree with Bush was an unpatriotic asshat.
Allowing BIRTHERS to be legitimately elected members of Republicans.

FOUR: The Tea Party has overstayed it's welcome.

I will give the Tea Party it's due.
They effectively rallied populists to derail establishment candidates.
Occupy Wall Street couldn't even do that once.
(Then again, what would you expect from smelly broke hipsters?)

We also learned that populists don't generally know much about....anything.
That's why they are fucking populists.
I could give a shit less if the candidate for president would get a beer with me or can be folksy.
If they are fucking stupid, they shouldn't be representing the party.

I only say all this because I would love the Republicans to become an inclusive party dedicated to solid economic policy.
It has before.
It will again, God willing.

I'm well aware the Dems aren't exactly angels either.
That doesn't make it any better.
I will only call myself a Republican when they earn that distinction.
That's an opinion I'm fairly sure isn't exclusive to myself.
It's not like I'm a sucker for the Democrats anyways.

MSNBC is essentially a collection of every single "politically active" asshole (justifiably) mocked  mercilessly in college.



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