Nervously dicking around, waiting for my third interview with one campaign.
Wish me luck.
You probably won't, though.
At times like this I used to piss away my time on Cracked.com
In fact, talking to columnist Sean Reilly (in my kickass opinion, one of the funniest fuckers out there) on Facebook was what inspired me to make this blog.
However, the key phrase up there is "used to".
They hired shit writers and now have published shit articles to show for it.
I blame one particularly talentless man for beginning this, John Cheese.
What a shitty name, by the way.
Not the "John" part, obviously (that's pretty badass).
He's horrible at writing, made me stop checking the site, and I fucking hate him.
He also said something that changed my life.
Scroll down to #3 in that column above.
You're free to read more, but you'll probably have a raging migraine wading through his boring bullshit.
So do yourself a large and just go to #3.
All your life, whenever you're depressed, you've probably heard caring morons parrot the same line to you:
"It could be worse"
I know I have.
You know what?
I fucking hate people that do that.
"Yeah bud, it could be worse. I could be making Nike shoes for 30 cents a day. Great, now I feel like an asshole as well as a shithead."
No, the correct phrase should be:
"It really isn't that fucking bad"
Think about what you worried about at this time last year.
No, not the big shit.
The random minutia of bullshit that we deal with everyday.
That girl who ignored you at a party?
You don't even remember her name.
That embarrassing picture of you drunkenly pissing yourself?
You deleted it off Facebook (heh, bitch)
Your boss was a dickhead?
Well, he still is, but that's beside the point.
Hell, can you remember what you worried about last week?
Or even most of yesterday?
Lezbehonest, you don't.
Why then was it such a big deal at the time?
Because that's how our douchebag brains work.
From an evolutionary standpoint, there is every reason in the world for blowing out of proportion imminent routine situations.
Look, back then if you ate the wrong berries, you didn't get the shits in the middle of finals.
You fucking died.
This worked great in the Stone Age (by the way, ever wonder if archeologists have discovered rock wall porn yet?), but is extra shitty in the Space Age.
So we get back to that main point: if you aren't going to worry so much about today's bullshit tomorrow, maybe things are not as bad as you think.
Obviously sometimes things are bad as you think.
The fucking Holocaust?
Yeah, that sucked as much as advertised.
However, unless you are a geriatric Jew at the moment (if you are, props for coming to FHP), you probably haven't seen shit taken to it's shittiest.
It's not easy to tell yourself after any fucked up situation to relax and forget about it.
You need to work at it.
It took me months, but I'm the happiest fuck I've been in a while.
Remind yourself to the point of being a goddamn annoyance that it's not that fucking bad.
Fuck, just repeat that line in your head.
It's my mantra.
It also came from a dumbass.