Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Douchebag 101, Part II

Well, my wish was granted: it cooled down.
A lot.
Wearing a hoodie today because my state loves to fuck with me.
Michigan sucks.

Today's lesson in the continuing Douchebag 101 tutorial:
The impossible situations and subjective probability

Lez say your douche king of a neighbor decides blaring music at 2 AM is a great idea.
Bitches love loud noises, right?
People who have a real job tend not to.
Now, obviously this is a shitty situation.
If you go over there, he most likely won't answer the door (he's currently puking up his third Smirnoff Ice).
If you call the cops, prepare for shit to lit on your doorstep.
The number of homicides due to noise complaint violation fines isn't published, but I'd put it at least three figures.
If you ignore it, you're going to eventually erupt in homophobic rant about the repeated playing of "Call Me, Maybe".
Enjoy that press conference.

What do you do?
This is probably going to piss you off, but in situations like these every solution sucks ass.
It's the curse of the douchebag.
The only way to limit the blowback is to use subjective probability.
  • FHP def.: The percent chance of any action resulting in a shittier outcome, weighed by the amount of potential personal shittiness that could occur.
Easier put, you have to decide what's least worse from a host of shitty options.
It seems simple but it really isn't.
When we get asshole'd, rationality goes out the window.
We lose our big picture outlook and become focused on the antics unfolding.
This leads to inevitable escalation, as angry you will most likely overreact.
Do yourself a favor and chill out for 5 minutes before reacting.
If time is not on your side?
Force yourself to be calm.
It won't work well at first, but it will at least allow you to consider what won't lead to multiple rocks being thrown through your bedroom window.
And as you see the negative consequences of your legitimate but nonetheless stupid responses, you'll learn.
It might seem like punching your asshole neighbor in the face is the best feeling in the world.

Watching his eventual move out and laughing your spiteful ass off because he flunked is much better.


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