Friday, July 31, 2015


Hey all.
It's been a long time since I posted.
I'm somewhat done using this blog, but I hope my posts were helpful or at the damn least entertaining to some of you.
I'll keep paying the 10$ a year to keep this site up though, because why the fuck not?

My new blog is at .
Check it out.
By the way, it will be written in actual paragraphs with no cursing.

I'm pretty fucking bummed about that.


Monday, May 12, 2014

Another Goddamn (Quickie)

Been a while dear readers - proud to announce we've hit 200,000 page views!
Graduated & about to move my ass to Montana - fucking pumped son.
I hate spending an extended period in one place.
Boredom is the greatest motivator.

Y'all know I love the stories of (legit) outsiders forcing society to respect them despite preconceived bias.
Today is to highlight one of the very, very few white rappers who wasn't complete shit in the era before Eminem came on the scene, MC Serch:

I'm not the biggest fan of white rappers in general (rhythm wasn't a big part of our genetics).
But I do have to give props to one of the few who could actually be respected in an industry that had already experienced the walking abomination known as Vanilla Ice.

I'll pump out a full FHP article sooner or later; I'm just a lazy son of a bitch...sort of.


Friday, February 7, 2014

The New Era

Sick as shit.
It hasn't been above 25 degrees outside in a good month.
Heard somewhere that generally the best comedy comes from people who grew up in cold-weather states.
Gotta be some truth to that.
If comedy is tragedy + time, polar vortexes will oblige.

Y'all probably know about my love of podcasts.
The blessing of free media is the ease of finding the most entertaining motherfuckers with the least amount hassle.
Which led to the smart download on my part of Neil Brennan & Moshe Kosher's The Champs.
Put simply, its two white dudes interviewing black guests in the music & comedy industries.
Brennan was the main writer for Chappelle's Show, which should be all your nosy ass needs to know.
While interviewing Jordan Peele (of Key & Peele, one of the best new shows out there), Brennan relayed an anecdote that those around my age won't be able to relate to.
I sure as shit am not.

According to Brennan, Wayne Brady told him "My daughter is growing up into an era where the idea of a black president isn't a joke"

It really struct me how fucking different the world seems from the perspective of those born twenty (or, fuck, even ten) years before myself.
Think about it.
To me & my generation, Obama is really not much different from Bush.
Just a damn politician.
A normal politician.
While obviously respecting the fact the O-man made one of the most breathtaking blows for civil rights in our nation's history, he seems just as slimy as the other incompetent gang over in D.C.
If the office if the presidency isn't occupied by a white male for another decade or more, not many among us would be surprised.
And the fact that this state of affairs - fucking unheard of just two decades ago - is the new normal speaks volumes about the opportunity the world has at its fingertips to make serious changes to the status quo.

Just to be clear, this isn't one of the those "America is Post-Racial!!!" posts.
The specific example just fits in describing the world our budding generation is inheriting.
The limitations of the past are easier to throw by the wayside.
Contrary to popular pessimistic bullshit, the ability to make significant changes in the world by a single individual is greater than at any other time in history.
And it'll only keep on growing.

At the very least, something to think about while you can breathe through your goddamn nostrils today.


Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Joy of Daytime Trash TV (Quickie)

My schedule this semester seems specifically designed around the time Maury & Jerry Springer are on.
Not that I'm complaining.
Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the genuine trailer park not-giving-a-fuck-ever mindset of these cultural treasures over the manufactured "reality" shows of today.

With that in mind, today's post is short.
Just quick Thursday observation for y'all:

While Maury loves to brag about his "lie detector" (along with his equally infallible "paternity test"), he could save the money and gadgets & just use perhaps the world's best bullshit monitor.
Maury's audience.
Their mix of boos and lesser-evil cheering has a goddamn 99.9% success rate of whether the woman will run off as the man beats his flabby chest or the man will get his eardrums blown out by the woman's emasculating screams.
Fuck the legal system; just send all crimes and disputes in front of these unique individuals.
Mob mentality never produced such exact results.

Case in point:

Who the fuck needs judges with this guy on the case?
Pictured: Truth Seeker
I'm definitely on to something here.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Mocking the Dead & Mocking Those Who Mock The Dead

One of the advantages (or disadvantages, if you are a goddamn 'Bama fan) of college life is the thrill of having a good sports team.
For Michigan State students, we have the luxury of TWO mothafuckin' kickass teams in basketball & football.
So forgive me if I'm in a good mood.
Rose Bowl and #1 in the nation can do that.

Since this is the first time I've blogged since returning to the States, I'll stick to a classic.
Mocking assholes.
And what asshole is more fun to mock than my favorite asshole in the whole world?
The greatest hybrid of making money off stupid people & a God Complex bordering on cult behavior, Alex motherfuckin' Jones.
Low hanging fruit for a Tuesday sounds about right.

I'm sure some of you were aware that the 50th anniversary of JFK's assassination was a week or so ago.
Not only was an occasion to remember a horrific event & discuss one of the most peculiar figures in American history, it was an early Christmas for all sorts of crazy conspiracy theorists.
But none found a way to out-batshit-insane ol' AJ, because that ain't how AJ rolls.
For that I'll forever be grateful.
However, what made this particular public mental episode of note was the sheer determination Alex had to make sure everyone knew he was a fucking pussy too.

Just watch:

I'm going under the assumption that most of you don't have the free time to watch a 16 minute video that starts slow.
However, if you stick with it you won't be sorry in the least.

The main gist is that while Alex huddled to safety while cops were moving protestors off Dealey Plaza, someone got punched.
After the fact, the realization that saying he got punched would make him a martyr entered his noggin.
So like any good coward and/or attention whore, senor fatass tells the police he will fight "ten of you fuckers!" with the caveat that they will get sued if they accept.
To top it all off the seething impotent rage over the last six or so minutes provides a breathtaking insight in the mind of a goddamn lunatic.
Hell, the man almost seems to be wishing for a girl to have hit the ground because it will launch 1776.
How low do you have to sink, how much Machiavellian bullshit do you have to tell yourself, to not only gain from the suffering of others but rage for more simply to gain status?
Then again it's not that hard of a stretch for a guy who can't even muster enough respect for the dead to stay silent during the goddamn moment of silence.

Character is important.
We all have slip ups & act immorally or unethically.
But remind yourself of two things:
Knowingly crossing that line constantly will make you look, for all intents & purposes, just like Alex the Asshat.

Also if Tiananmen Square ever were to occur again, you can find Alex easily; he's the one one hiding behind a child.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Why History Matters

Packing my existence into bags for the umpteenth time.
The sad part?
All my possessions could still fit into my old Camry.
Not complaining though; stuff is just stuff.

A common question I get when discussing one of my majors (along with economics) is "why the hell do you study history?"
A legitimate question.
A constantly fucking annoying question, but legitimate nonetheless.
I won't give you the boilerplate answer.
History isn't to learn from the mistakes of the past.
We're human.
All of us will find a new way to completely fuck up any situation.

Why history is important is different.

I've always been drawn to all the social sciences.
Well, other than anthropology, that shit is boring as hell.
But I always ask myself "why?"
Maybe it's because they demand less in terms of an absolute answer.
However, I think it's because we as humans fascinate me to no end.
The actions of our species is literally ridiculous in terms of what we do.
You've probably heard it from Mark Twain himself:
  • The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible.
It's the goddamn truth.
But I digress.

History is important, even in comparison to the other social sciences, for a reason you don't hear much.
It's obtuse but it makes damn sense to myself.
That doesn't speak much to my theory (seeing as I'm a dumbass) but maybe you'll relate.

History is the only pursuit in which complexity is demanded.

Through my studies I have learned a lot about what occurred in the past.
But what makes this field so different is that history at it's core is relative as fuck.
The question of what happened is pretty straightforward and easy to grasp.
The question of why it happened is convoluted and a pursuit that will never deliver a definitive answer.
But the journey to truth is always worth pursuing.
Even if your ass will never reach the finish line.

Because history has no finish line.

Complexity is the inherent understanding that motivation (specifically human) is not black & white.
Why did Julius Caesar organize the plebes to lead to his eventual dictatorship?
Was it just human shittiness & desire for power?
Or was it a genuine concern for the common people?
We will never know.
What we do know is that both reasoning is plausible.
The beauty of history is that motivation is accessible only to the individual committing the actions.
Sure, Hitler is a shithead and declared his shithead intentions beforehand.
But most people don't.
And to make assumptions on the vast majority of historical figures is an exercise in futility.

That applies to daily life as well.
Our interactions and perceptions are influenced both by what situation we are placed in & our free choice to decide what we think.
History teaches that we must always examine all personal motivations & be sure our reactions to others are based not in a singular belief but an understand maybe I'm fucking wrong.
It's easy to pass judgment.
Hell, I do that shit all the time.
But I try to remind myself of the complexity of humans.
People don't do things (generally) for simple purposes.
We all have our justifications and reasoning.
Coming to terms with the fact that other people, whether public officials or just acquaintances, are subjects of the same neural factors is valuable.
We all have our personal structures of the world our brains create to bring meaning to life.
It's not worthless, it's a natural defense against the peril of chaos.
But always, always understand that there is a good chance you are wrong.
History taught me that shit.

And hey, if I'm wrong & I don't get a job teaching in academia I still got my economics bullshit to fall back on.


Monday, October 14, 2013

How One Man's Obsession With Being Badass Can Change Your Life (Quickie)

This post doesn't need an opening with my usual four lines of life bullshit.
There is no point; what you are about to witness is the definition of everything I aspire to be.

If you are like me, the most you know about Jackie Chan is his Rush Hour movies.
And also like me, you only learned there is a very, very shitty version of Chris Rock by the name of Chris Tucker from said movies.
Goddamn was I ever stupid.
It took one article from my favorite irreverent author to open my eyes.

I never knew that Mr. Chan did all his own stunts.
Not in a "fight scene without stunt doubles" way, but in a "holy shit how the fuck did you survive?" kind of way.
These aren't widely known movies, and they weren't done for the sake of a bigger profit.

Jackie nearly killed himself in every movie for the sake of not using CGI.

I literally can't think of a way to preface this more, so just observe:


Never bitch about your small hassles of life again.
Just watch that and realize how much of a pussy you are for ever whining.
It's less than five minutes, yet the most badass less than five minutes you will ever witness.

Michael Bay spends hundreds of millions to pretend he has balls near the level of one Jackie Chan.


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